Are You Nice or Are You Kind?
- Susan Lee Woodward
- May 28
- 4 min read
Are You Nice or Are You Kind?
There are a few key benchmarks that help to determine which category you fall under. Admittedly, it’s not always easy to unravel your motivations, or you may be oblivious to the behaviours, or just plain in denial about what you are contributing to relationships. Sometimes, people want to be seen as nice, even if it hurts them.
Following are a few tips to help you navigate relationships with a bit more mindfulness and to nurture the most important and longest relationship you will ever have, the one with yourself.
People Pleasing – Nice
This is when you go out of your way to repeatedly do nice things for others (shopping, lending them money, babysitting, always choosing their needs over yours). Then, when you realize that these people are never going to meet your needs, you resent giving without ever receiving. Speak up for what you want and need. You are selling your soul to get people to like you. If someone chronically overlooks you, it’s time for a new friend, or partner, or maybe you need to be fantastically alone for a while to get to know you.
Please Yourself – Kind
You are number one. Just stop doing things for others if you genuinely don’t want to. Speak up and say no when you mean it and yes when you mean it. Then, you enter into a contract that is reciprocal and meaningful for both parties. Win-win. I like doing surprise things for others just because I love them and want to see them happy. When you give without expectations, it becomes a gesture of love. There is a mutual exchange of kindness and heart-centered giving. I care about you, and you care about me.
I’m Busy Except When I Need Something - Nice
This is the person that chronically takes advantage of others. It’s all me, me, me. The only time you will hear from them is when they want something from you, and it will cost you time, money, or both. The expectation is to drop everything immediately and help them. They will call out of the blue dripping honey nectar sweetness all over you asking for inconvenient big favours and they want it now. It doesn’t matter if you are in the middle of a holiday, or dealing with your own urgent matters, it’s now. When you need a hand, moving a couch, or need some medicine picked up, they will ghost you like they moved to the Casbah. Not to worry. The next time their life gets hard, they will call at an inconvenient time and expect you to drop your world and rescue them. Like the fly in your Chardonay, flick them away.
I’m Busy and You’re Busy But We Make It Work – Kind
These are the people in your life that care deeply about you and want to give you their undivided attention. They will make an effort to be with you, book lunch dates and show up on time, send a text just to see how you are doing. It may be months between visits, but the intention to keep a lasting and meaningful connection is solid and dependable. You love each other and it shows. You would do anything for each other, and you have. You trust them not to gossip to others in rooms you are not in. They have your back, and you have theirs. Trust is the foundation. Honesty and integrity are the glue.
Weak Boundaries – Nice
Nice people can be a wolf in sheep’s clothing – a narcissist incognito, or a sheep – vulnerable and exposed. A wolf will agree to everything and then manipulate with gaslighting, lying, and general smoke and mirrors to control others. A sheep will agree with everything to keep the peace, undermining their own values and morals to make another person happy, or to keep themselves small. In both cases every fibre of their being is silently seething. A wolf will make you physically sick. A sheep will get worn down and become physically or emotionally sick. Don’t be nice.
Strong Boundaries – Kind
The only people that don’t like strong healthy boundaries are the ones trying to break them and take advantage of you. Clear boundaries create honest and trusting relationships. You have a grasp on your values, and what you will tolerate. Behaviour that doesn’t match morals will easily be seen and addressed, and then, removed from your circle. Strong boundaries will provide a bulwark of support, safety, and a circle of people that you enjoy and appreciate on a daily basis. Be brave and state your wants and needs, tell the truth about your desires. Kindness and generosity will flow into your life. Being kind is good for your health, good for your relationships, and good for your community. When you act from the heart, you grow in love. Reciprocity will follow.
Namaste
Susan Lee Woodward
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